last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
