I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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