tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
