I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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