not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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