I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
