Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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