I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
