when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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