apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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