Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
