It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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