I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize