sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
