i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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