I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
