just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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