Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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