Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
