you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize