It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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