i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
