new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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