dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
