dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
