cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
