My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
