I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
