I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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