I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize