Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
