The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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