trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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