In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
