Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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