my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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