got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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