Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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