the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
