Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
