it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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