If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
