at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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