Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
