i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
