I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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