Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
