I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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