I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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