I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
