According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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