Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
