My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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