I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
