I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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