He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
