and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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