Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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