i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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